I like to help. I always have. It gives me a good feeling. It makes me happy. I enjoy other people’s happiness. This tendency and drive has been lifelong, innate, instinctual and definitely difficult to alter. I have found ways to use this quality to benefit my life and the lives of others. I am a doula. I am a caregiver. I am a teacher. I love fully and vulnerably. The shadow side of this quality is that I don’t often put myself first. Caring for others saves me from having to care for myself. It keeps me from truly looking inside to see how I am doing? How am I feeling? And more importantly how can I honor these feelings if I actually allow myself to feel them.
The current state of the world has been challenging for us all. I know this. I FEEL this. My first response? Grief, concern, worry about all those around me… my favorite studio having to close, that waitress who has no customers aside from us, anyone of limited means or with few friends…. Next came action, planning, gathering, connecting and a creeping, growing concern about the circle I hold quite dear – the students who attend my yoga classes. How can I continue to serve them? How are they coping? How are they managing? How will this alter their plans for welcoming their babes into this world?
My heart has broken and healed at least a dozen times over the past few days. Each day now is truly lived moment to moment, though it’s starting to feel as if we are beginning to slow down. We are finding a groove in the requirements imposed on our lives. But this process of breaking and healing physically hurts. It’s draining. And I need to allow myself to take a little break. I am writing this today to hold myself accountable. To follow my own rules.
I love all of you students SO MUCH. I love what I do. I am honored to be with you on your journey to parenthood. I also am realizing the best way for me to truly be available is to take a little pause so that I can come back fully. I hypothesize the better I can mentally take a break, the more fully I shift my lense away from others and turn it back on myself, the quicker I can get back to doing what I love. The more present I can be there for you, my friends, my yogis, my community.
A gentle reminder, we can best serve and take care of others when first we care for and serve ourselves. Namaste, sweet yogis.